For many of us, saying no to a request fills us with a sense of awkwardness, and we often find ourselves saying yes to things we’d much prefer to have refused, only to walk off mentally kicking ourselves for being ‘roped in’ yet again.
This is particularly true in a work setting where we want to be perceived as friendly, helpful and keen. For those of us who don’t like conflict or fuss, it often seems like the lesser of two evils to say yes rather than to refuse. But is it?
When we say ‘yes’ when we should say ‘no’, it leads to two outcomes:
One is personal: We end up feeling put-upon, resentful, perhaps even bullied. We often become annoyed at the person who asked the favour, or even annoyed at our own weakness for not being able to say no.
One is professional: By taking on work that you don’t have time to do, you can potentially diminish the quality of your own work as well as that you’ve taken on. Standards drop and employees risk burnout when they are over-extended.
Both outcomes are detrimental to the business. In order to do a good job, you simply have to learn how to say no when it’s necessary, both for your personal and professional well-being.
So, if we want to say no, and should say no, how do we go about communicating this two letter word in a firm yet friendly manner?
Let’s be realistic about this: How you say no to a colleague, compared to how you say no to a superior, often requires a slightly different strategy.
The ‘Would you mind awfully…’ colleague
That colleague that tends to come to you for everything- whether it’s offloading some of their work your way or pressuring you into organising the Christmas party. You might even be seen as the office ‘soft touch.’ However, firstly, you have to accept that you’ve got yourself into this situation- after all; you’ve never been anything but obliging, agreeing with a smile and doing the extra work without complaint. They might even tell themselves that you like doing everything!
Luckily, there’s quite easy ways to change this dynamic- it may cause a few raised eyebrows the first couple of times, but as long as you are reasonable, perceptions about you being that ‘soft touch’ will soon change and a new respect for your time emerges.
Work: When a colleague tries to get your help on a project and your line manager has not requested you do so, it is absolutely your right to say no. Ask yourself the simple question: do I have time to help? If the answer is no, so your answer too, must be no.
‘I’m sorry but I won’t be able to, I don’t have the time, I’m flat-out.’ This is clear, and leaves no room for the person to negotiate or make you feel awkward. Make sure you don’t hedge with ‘I don’t think so’ or similar, as that leaves the door open to negotiation.
If you do have the time but you’re reluctant to help because this person is forever passing work off onto you, then be sure to set the boundaries.
‘Yes, I have a little time to assist you but can’t take on any responsibility for it.’
Also, why not consider getting them to agree to help you in a future project?
‘Sure I can give you a few hours as I’ve got a bit of spare time this week- next week’s going to be a killer for me though so could you return the favour next week by helping me out?’
This asserts that your time is not a gift, it is an exchange. If they ‘don’t have time’ when you next need their help, just take that as a lesson and don’t assist in future.
The extra-curricular: When people start taking your efforts for granted, perhaps you can say ‘I need to scale back on the extra-curricular work stuff due to family/personal commitments- is there someone else you have in mind that might want to take it over?’ Or ‘I’ve enjoyed doing it but I think it’s time for someone else to have a turn.’
These are neat ways to move the responsibility off your shoulders without giving offence.
The ‘I just need you to…’ superior.
Some managers will pile on work until someone says no. Sometimes this is because they just assume someone would say no if they didn’t have the time- and if you’ve never refused extra work before they might think that you are happy to take it on. Others are a bit more insidious and know you will never say no, or are avoiding potential conflict themselves by asking the ‘yes-person’ (yes, that’s you) rather than ask someone who is a bit more assertive and might refuse.
So, how to redress this balance?
‘I’m flat-out with projects already- I won’t be able to do it well if I extend myself any further.’
‘I’m juggling a lot this week- Is there any project you’d like me to delay or drop so that I can find the time for this one?’
This is a clever tactic, for as a manager, it’s professionally problematic to assign a task to someone who that has just admitted they won’t be able to do it well.
Of course, you know your colleagues and your superiors, and these are just suggestions that need to be adapted to your situation. Look around though- does everyone say ‘yes’ as much as you do? Obviously others have found a way to respectfully set their boundaries; it’s time you did the same.
Until next time,
Julia
